A new start to writing

Tuesday 29th April, 05:42

Here I am staring at the blank page thinking what to write even though I am thinking so much about writing since last couple of days. Since a few weeks everything seems to be going wrong, everyone seems to be going away. All the close people are to busy to talk and I sit in this foreign land alone. Its funny how life is, people think I have somehow became a millionaire or something working abroad, have lots of foreign friends and forgotten them, and enjoys every night in some club yet here I am.

I have been hating everyone so much that I hate myself for that, which isn't helping. Yesterday what I feared happened, they remember to invite me to the wedding and gave me a call, I didn't want the call, I wanted them to forget informing me again so I have one more reason to hate, it was as if hatred was my drug and I was always looking desperately to get it.

Last night after talking to AK for a while she mentioned something that struct me, about disappearing or dieing. You might think it was about dieing that bothered me but it was disappearing instead, she didn't realise how I felt about what she said, she couldn't.. after all it had to do with my personal story, my personal experience. And it didn't end here, as I called her name a couple of times she said "Don't make me hate my name", I am still thinking if she was joking or serious because right after that she said she is going to sleep and left. Even as a joke it hurted but what if she was serious?

A nightmare she wished to be true

The clock struck fifteen past six in the morning as she stared at it, aroused from the slumber. She had slept very late last night and it hadn't even been half of the time she usually sleeps but she couldn't anymore, there was so much more running through her mind to fret about sleep.. she forced herself to think about resuming the nightmare she just had ... continuing the story in her real life and leave everything, leave everyone and just runaway, alone. 

   It was not reality, it was a dream, a nightmare. She felt so feeble and hopeless during the dream, nobody trusted her. Her parents searched every corner of her room, her belonging right in front of her and didn't listen to any explaining she had to do. They wanted her declared insane or God knows what. Every visiting card that they found in her drawer, they accused that its a psychologist's that she is seeing because she is mad. They had no interest in what she had to say, they had absolutely no trust in her, an absolute zero, could certainly be in negative. Right now, they could trust any piece of paper more than her. She didn't understand, she couldn't ... what was happening to her, what was this all about? But maybe she was too hurt to think, she just had intense emotions running throughout her body, of helplessness and anger, she could literally feel her chest burning out of hatred. She wanted to scream at the top of her voice, and she did so.. but somehow she was mute, she couldn't even churn out enough voice to hear her own scream, yet she gave it all she had, but even that didn't give her any sigh of relief, not a bit. 

    She wanted to run away, right now. She went to clean up her face so not to draw unnecessary attention once she step out but she suddenly wasn't sure about leaving, maybe she wanted some sort of revenge, or prove herself right before she go. She came back to her room wondering what to do next when she saw her brother spying and going back to parents.. she ran after him and somehow wanted to tear him apart yet she couldn't even touch him, as if there was some magical shield around him which just added to her helplessness and now even the part of her that was in anger began to turn into pity for herself as she felt more and more weak and fragile. 

    That's when she woke up, it was the most terrifying nightmare she could recall she had, everyone she knew and loved was against her and there was not a single person she could go to, yet, as she woke, something inside her wished it to be true, wished the worst nightmare she had to actually have occurred. She lay there in her bed for an hour, with a tears in her eyes, continuing the story in her head where the nightmare had left her. 

   She could finally run away, without guilt of hurting someone, alone & start a new... only if the nightmare, she wished, had been true.